Deflection

Posted: August 15, 2010 in Uncategorized

Deflection. This is an aggravating trait of mine. During an intimate conversation, I can change the topic of a conversation mid-way as a subconscious defense mechanism. I don’t notice this during the conversation, until I review it. And when I review it, it saddens me when things I’ve wanted to say are not emphasized and are often not even brought forward.

So although I want to talk about my second viewing of the Christopher Nolan movie, Inception, I will submit to my analysis to my personal ‘deflection’.

Fear is the predominant theme behind my deflection. Fear of vulnerability, fear of trust, fear of emotions, fear of recognizing my personal existence. Fear of guilt. When a particular conversation that meant a lot to me was being held, I only met part-way in the communication before it was deflected off back to my friend. It was too late to rectify the situation and I loath my actions as it did only one thing— isolation. Deflection isolated me from what I wanted to say and isolated them— abandoning them when they reached out in humility.

There is no strength in deflection. There is no justice, nor righteousness in changing a subject when the key figure in the discourse is an open book. To abandon the source is an injustice and thus I have committed a sin. Sin, not in the religious context– but the greek context of an inaccuracy, for an archer to miss their mark and strike untrue. And so this entry is an apology.

I recognize now what I’ve been doing and I apologize. The topic was sudden to me and although I said I was ready, I fell short.  I am not ready to see the end of that conversation, for I do not know where it would lead. But know that if you would need anything, I will reply.

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